Why can't the bicycle stand up on it own?

Because it's so tired.

I don't think that is a leg

Doctor, Doctor!

joe says to mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor." Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies there is a diagnostic computer down at wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you whats wrong and what to do about it. It taks ten seconds and costs you ten dollars... A lot cheaper than a doctor. So joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak arm in warm water and avoid heavy activities. It willl improve in two weeks. That you for shopping at wal-mart." Later that evening Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries to wal-mart eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and waits the results. The computer prints the following: 1) your tap water is to hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworms. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) if you don't stop playing with yourself your elbow will never get better!! Thanks for shopping at wal-mart..

If my girlfriend has 10 cookies and I ask for one. How many cookies does she have left? ... 10

This is a real recipe

If people winked and smiled in real life as much as they do in text messages this world would be pretty fucking creepy.